JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!
by thehiddenauthor
Summary: The ACTUAL diary of Lily Evans, in which we see her deal with more accidents than moose on canadian roads. Guaranteed to give you pain in your stomach because you've been laughing so hard.Lily/James. CHAPTER 9 NOW UP!
1. Last Official Day of Freedom

**"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!" **

**Chapter One**

(In which she starts the story)

* * *

The sad but amusing diary of Lily Evans

Inspired by Georgia Nicolson, et moi amongst others

**Disclaimer:**I in no way own any of JKR's characters, Cate is mine though, in a non-lezzie way of course. Language from the Georgia Nicolson series may appear here (and already has) but since it's not copyrighted it really doesn't matter, but kudos to you Louise Rennison, you are truly baby Jesus.

**Dedication:**to my bestest pally, Dotti. May this story have us laughing and reflecting well into the wee hours of the morn'. Because we're like that. (Damn Straight. Fo Shizzle).

**Author's Note:** We see Lily Evans portrayed as responsible and mature to the outside world, but this story is designed to give us the real Lily Evans, from her own perspective.

Bias not included

* * *

**Somewhere between ****boredom and more boredom**

_August 31__st_

_Last Official Day of Freedom_

_(And sadly not the last day of the loons)_

**Can't-be-bothered-to-check O'clock**

Marauders are being prats again, (typical). Potter has sent me so many 'love letters' I will have to send them of to Africa to be burnt instead of trees, (he must have used a whole rainforest anyway. I'm doing both of us a favour,-me and the Africans (as Potter is insignificant.)-They would keep warm and no one would read them again, mainly because Africans can't read yet. (duh)

* * *

**Shortly After**

Have received another 'declaration of love from Potter'. Am already visiting strop central and well on the way to ballisticimus shortly unless Potter puts his brain back in his pants. HAHAHAHAHA. I'm so funny. Seriously, must call Cate to discuss immediately.

She isn't answering. Typical Cate. She is probably hanging out with the prat.

Will ring her back later.

* * *

**6:42**

Cate rang back finally.

After three hours, fifty six minutes and twenty-three seconds.

Not that I was couting.

"Cate you are _ignorez-vous_ing me again?"

She replied, "No I am not Lillian. You just don't have anyone to talk to."

"I would have you if you picked up your phone!"

Now she got all huffy knickers at me.

"Well maybe…"

Silence.

"Cate?!"

"Mmmmmmhmmm."  
"You just stopped mid-sentence!"

I could tell she wasn't paying attention.

"Is that Potter and Black in the background?!" I asked.

"Yeah, sounds great Lils! See ya tomorrow!" and slammed down the phone.

Typico.

* * *

**7:15**

Petunia came to get me for dinner, all sticky-beak as per usual. She always wants to nose around in my stuff, the lezzie. That's why she has such a long nose I tell you.

I don't know how much longer I can stand being around her. Luckily I am out of here next year. Less than 365 days. YESSSSSSSSS!

* * *

**After Dinner**

My family is as interesting as normal. That is not much, believe me.

Dad told us about some interesting new client, and then mum proceeded to tell us about the quote "thriving" unquote state of her hydrangeas. Then Petunia announced she had a new boyfriend, and_that's_ when my fork clattered onto my plate, had to pretend to have a (very convincing) muscle spasm, but anyway. His name is Vernon, and he has an apprenticeship at Grunnings: a(n utterly dull) drill company. Petunia seems absolutely smitten. I was finding it hard to keep down my dinner, and that was before she showed us _the photo_. The two were polar opposites, Petunia was bony and dare I say it horse-like. Vernon, however was the roundest thing I had ever seen, he was so fat he was purple (probably because the blood couldn't get to most of his errrr, voluptuous body.) and he had a round little face with beady eyes and a miserable attempt at a moustache (his eyebrows would have substituted nicely.) I must go and have a lie down I feel a little faint.

Hogwarts tomorrow.

* * *

**Sooooo…how did we like it, this is just a sort of pilot/concept chapter. If I receive good response from this, I will definitely continue with **_**much**_** l o n g e r chapters. **

_**Harry**_** Christmas,**

_thehiddenauthor_


	2. To the Castle of Loons

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"**

**Chapter Two**

(In which Lily has PMS)

* * *

The sad but amusing diary of Lily Evans

Inspired by Georgia Nicolson, et moi amongst others

**Disclaimer:** I in no way own any of JKR's characters, Cate is mine though, in a non-lezzie way of course. Language from the Georgia Nicolson series may appear here (and already has) but since it's not copyrighted it really doesn't matter, but kudos to you Louise Rennison, you are truly baby Jesus.

**Dedication:** Hope everyone is enjoying the story, so I dedicate it to all of you reading it! (and I apologize for the lateness of it)

**Author's Note:** Thank you to the reviews and the positive response to the pilot chapter. To many more to come!

* * *

**To the Castle of Loons**

_September 1__st_

_Back to the Castle of Loons (aka Hogwarts)_

**Early**

O.K. Luggage, check. Room tidy, check. And….

Smell check.

_Sniff, Sniff._

Airy and floral. Fab.

Guess its time to get out of here.

In three hours.

Will go down and have breakfast.

* * *

**At Breakfast**

Cate is a genius.

Oh god, did I really just say that?!

Oh well.

She said I was fab at multi-tasking (thank you estrogen-filled brain) and here I am writing and eating AT THE SAME TIME. ohmygoshies.

Did I really just say that?!

There is something wrong with me.

Perhaps I'm allergic to Petunia.

I wish.

* * *

**10-ish**

**In the Car**

**Next to snotty-nose (aka Petunia)**

If you're wondering I ate a LOT of breakfast.

It will fuel the intelligent conversation between myself and the new head boy (which is so totally Remus Lupin, scholar extraordinaire). I had some extra to fill in small talk with prefects, and lots of Vitamin T commonly known as toast which energy to help with Cate + Cate moments.

Am totally ready to rock Hogwarts.

With my extremely smart and fab estrogen-powered brain, of course.

Wish Petunia would return the cat next door its bottom, she seems to have stolen it and stuck it on her face in place of her mouth.

* * *

**At**** Kings Cross**

Mum was fawning all over me just like the first time I went to Hogwarts. Kinda nice, actually. She didn't mention plants once.

_Hallelujah._

Dad got all emotional, "Uphold the family honour…do your best" etc.

"Thanks, Dad." I said, he was to busy pulling himself together, to be honest.

Petunia was busy trying to get the vending machine to take her quid.

Even the machine hates her.

Proves I'm not the only one.

* * *

**Platform 9 ¾**

I was rather enjoying the hustle and bustle of Platform 9 ¾ before I was rudely interrupted by none other than the _ignorez-vous_er extraordinaire, my bestest pally Cate. It wasn't really so much an_interruption,_per se. She kind of crash tackled me.

Not that that's important…

"OW! NOT THE BADGE!" I said trying to shove off 120 pounds of Cate.

She just did her cheeky grimace and ruffled her hair.

Her hair.

OMG.

"Sorry Lils." she apologize, picking herself up and dusting off her robes.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?!" I screamed like a hysterical mother, attracting half the platform's attention.

"I just wanted it a bit shorter, that's all." she replied in a nonchalant tone, and then blowing a bubble in my face.

She was in it for a good duff up.

I could feel my hair crackling with electricity.

Then, Potter showed up.

"Hello ladies!" he said pompously.

That's when I noticed.

It.

The badge, I mean.

Not Potter.

Not _any_ part of Potter.

Anyway…

"So guess who got Head Boy?"

"You." I spat out. "Dumbledore, - out of every guy in this school- picked you."

"Yep." said Potter happily. "Isn't that great!"

No. It was not great, it was…it was.

In a word?

Terrible?

Disastrous?

_Catastrophic_?

"Great." I muttered through clenched teeth trying my hardest not to add the sarcasm I so desperately wanted to.

I could plainly see Cate mouthing, "I'll get her some chocolate!"

"Well see ya later." He said tapping his badge, and walking (presumably) back to Black.

When I get my hands on him...ooh I don't know what to do first, the face or the balls?

Haha.

James Potter as a transvestite.

That would be the day, but until then

"REVENGE WILL BE MINE!" I said in my most evilest voice.

I felt hands on my shoulders as Cate steered me towards the Trolley lady, "Let's get you some chocolate."

I'm ashamed to say, I didn't resist.

* * *

**10****:55**

**In a Compartment We Stole From Some 1st Years **

Ahhhhh…goodness in material form.

Otherwise known as choco-latté.

Actually its chocolate.

I just like pronouncing it…

Nevermind.

"_Potter_," I spat out vehemently-ooh that's a good word, I should use that more often- at the thought of him.

Cate was flipping the pages of her magazine, without looking up she said, "Ya know Lils, Dumbledore is not going to change his mind just because you and James don't like each other very much."

I gave her a 'I-really-loathe-him-and-would-rather-kiss-Bellatrix' look.

She sensed it and poking her head over her magazine,

"Ok don't like each other at all." she clarified.

She paused to compile what I believed would be an entertaining/confusing mismatch of thoughts, from her sex-filled brain.

Instead I got this,

"Perhaps, Dumbledore paired you and James together because he had an ulterior motive?"

She sounded smart.

I wondered how long it would last.

The answer: _not very_.

"Ooooooh I just sounded smart, didn't I? Lils?"

RED ALERT: CATE MOMENT

The dictionary defines it as:

**Cate**** moment /**_**Kay**__-tuh mo-__**ment/**__n._

1.)A moment where one says something utterly ridiculous, or more commonly, blatantly obvious, (that really didn't need to be said). (_Cate usually says something like this after you've consulted her with gossip or a problem. But _generally_, it refers to her idea of conversation. This is why I call her Captain Obvious [though not always to her face, for obvious reasons of course._)

2.)A moment where one tries to use sarcasm to amuse others, but fails miserably and the other person can do nothing except roll there eyes. _(I never need to relieve the one of fifth year when…oh believe me, you do __**NOT**__ want me to recount that!)_

So there you have it, Cate simplified.

I'm not going to answer her question.

If anyone asks, I'm deaf.

But do you know what the saddest thing is?

They made Cate my replacement as Gryffindor 7th year prefect.

Plus there is the whole Potter/Head Boy fiasco.

My life is now over.

I shall now discuss the ways in which I can end said life.

Preferably before anyone mentions N.E.W.Ts (that is 'Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests' abbreviated.)

**5**** Possible Ways to Kill Myself Before Anyone Mentions N.E.W.Ts**

_Jump out of this train right now_._ Pro_: Would NOT have to deal with Cate's rambling, or _POTTER_. (big plus) _Con_: Technically I would just be dumped somewhere in Northern Britain, I would then starve to death. Not so fun. I can deal with Cate for less than that.

_'Avada __Kedavra'. Pro: _Errr…I would die, like I planned, very simple, very _ME_. Cate would add. _Con_: Too boring. I kind of want to go out with a (bit of a) BANG.

_Marry__ POTTER. Pro: _There isn't one. Apart from the whole dying thing. I would be completely insane though, so I might not actually think I've died. And as the vow says: '_til death do us part'_ long as I'm some sort of dead, I'm free[/ramble _Con:_I'm pretty sure it's illegal as I'm only 17, and I'm pretty sure that when Dad said: "Uphold the family honour…do your best" etc. he didn't mean marry Potter. Oh, and the problem of no licensed marriage celebrant on the Hogwarts Express.

My personal favourite: _Death by Chocolate. Pro_: Although it seems impossible, I would in fact die in heaven. Making my whole life/death transition very simple. _Con:_ I would die fat. I wont let Petunia have the pleasure of seeing that, or remembering and recounting it for the rest of her pathetico life.

By popular request, (that is suggested by Cate in the heat of a Cate moment):_Strip in front of the male students and die of having too much hot and heavy sex.__ Pro:_Cate would be utterly jealous and hence, probably subject herself to the same fate, and I could look on and laugh. (mmm...popcorn) _Con:_I would rather like to die with an intact pelvis, oh and the whole I may be raped by Potter and Black thing, (I have the funny feeling they have done that before.)

And on that note, I must return to the sad life of mine in which I listen to Cate ramble on.

Sigh.

* * *

**Sorry about the lateness of this chapter. I really like it though, and I hope you do too. If you have something to say, leave a review, it's much appreciated. Until the ****(lateness of the) next chapter!**

**Adios amigos,**  
_thehiddenauthor_


	3. Trouble in Furry Shorts

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!" **

**Chapter Three**

(In which the diary is aptly named the above)

* * *

Lily's diary returns for yet another chapter that was concocted by my sadly mismatched brain.

**Disclaimer:**I own none of JKR's original characters, my bank account can prove that. I did create Cate, so she is © me, although since she is stupid she doesn't make me any money. Grrrr. She is off to work in a diamond mine somewhere in Africa as soon as she finishes school.

**Dedication:**To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

**Author's Note: **So far I think the story has been going along well, as you all seem to like it. So hopefully you'll like this chapter. Happy New Years to everyone!

* * *

**Did I mention trouble came in furry shorts?**

_Still September 1__st_

_Still on the Hogwarts Express_

**11:15**

**On my way to the Prefect's carriage**

I am going to have to work with Potter, all year.

Did I mention Potter?

POTTER, POTTER, POTTER.

POTTER!

I hate him.

A lot.

You may have guessed.

Is it that obvious?

Oh god, I'm at the door.

He's probably here.

No. No.

He'll be playing a prank with Black.

Breathe in.

Hand on doorknob, and _turn._

Just the Hufflepuff prefects.

Phew.

Breathe out.

Safe.

_For now_.

* * *

**11:17**

**Inside the Prefect's Carriage**

**Waiting for Potter**

Why didn't Cate come with me?!

Now I'm all alone.

Minus the Hufflepuffs, and the Ravenclaws that just arrived.

Right, Cate.

_Where is she?_

* * *

**11:22**

**Still waiting for Potter**

Everyone is here.

Except Potter, _of course_.

He has to make my life difficult.

That's what he is.

_Difficult_.

* * *

**11:27**

**The miraculous arrival of Potter**

"You're late." I didn't bother turning around.

I had a feeling pranking may have had something to do with his 'lack of punctuality'. as McGonagall would say.

He just did that goofy side grin, which made me- I mean _other_ girls go jelloid.

I must remember I am head girl and have a responsibility to do justice.

"Sorry." He said.

_Yeah right!_

If I bite my tongue any harder I will explode.

But, I may as well abuse my authority, if he can abuse his.

If anyone will order Potter around, it will be ME.

"Sit." I ordered.

He obeyed.

Oooh…Potter could be my slave.

"_Sex Slave." _Mind-Cate added.

"_Shut up!"_ I told Mind-Cate.

Now onto the meeting.

I shall recap later, I must keep my mind on Potter.

I mean, keep my eyes on Potter.

_OH SHUT UP MIND-CATE!_

* * *

**11:43**

**Freedom**

I honestly thought I was going to die.

Without the whole 'marrying Potter' bit.

Just being around him is enough.

But now I will just return to the carriage of the loons.

And pray to baby Jesus that nothing else goes wrong.

* * *

**11:46**

**Writing from a toilet cubicle**

Did I mention wrong involves furry shorts.

My so-called best friend neglected to tell me that she has bought a cat.

A cat.

For Cate.

Luckily, because it is Cate, the cat will be dead very soon.

And I free from its (very sharp) claws.

It's called Spot.

How original.

Especially since it's striped.

Somehow I think I will be standing on top of a lot of toilets this year.

Sigh.

* * *

**Two minutes later**

It's slightly cross-eyed, much like Cate.

They seem to have the same IQ too.

The pair of them must make me appear much more intelligent by comparison.

Stupid people exist for a reason, and _I_ have discovered it.

I feel like I should be awarded the Nobel Prize.

And carry round a telescope.

And at random moments, put one foot on a rock, and raise the telescope to my eye, to survey the fab-itiness of it all.

But Potter and Black would put ink on the eyepiece.

And I would look stupid.

Well,_stupider_.

* * *

**Seconds later**

Wait a second…

WHY DOES POTTER APPEAR IN _MY_ DIARY SO MUCH?

* * *

**One minute later**

On second thought, if Potter and Black did give me a black eye, I would have an excuse to kill them.

I can hire Cate's cat to do the job.

He will claw them to bits, and I appear just to be an '_innocent bystander_' to a _'terrible accident'_.

An '_innocent bystander_', without an ounce of guilt.

That is a good plan, I must admit.

Chocolate worthy, too.

I may reward myself with some.

Choco-latté, that is.

Oh god not this fandango again.

I'm too tired.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

* * *

**After my nap**

Cate is in her robes, stroking her furry short-wearing friend, Spot.

It still sounds stupid.

The cat's name, I mean.

Just like when Cate opens her mouth.

"What time is it?" I asked groggily.

"Err…its late." she shrugged, "We're almost there…" she offered, trying to be more helpful.

I stumbled around groggily, grabbing my robes and pulling them over my head.

I must look like crap.

Crap.

I'd better go to the bathroom.

I reached for the door.

Stuff it, I'll do it later.

* * *

**Not long 'til the Castle of Loons comes into view**

I explained to Cate about the diary.

Mainly, because I couldn't deal with her never-ending "What ya doin'?"

So I told her.

She is now insisting I name it.

"What about…mmm…_Lily Evans' Diary_."

That's lame.

Even for her.

"Oooh!_The Life of Lily Evans with Commentary by Cate Andrews_! It's brilliant! Pure genius!"

It sounds like something on daytime BBC that my mum would watch.

I am contemplating moving somewhere Cate-free.

That would be: anywhere but here.

Then that furry fool of hers leapt onto my face!

I must look like my eyebrows have grown immensely, and have spread across my face.

Potter then decided to appear, and took his wand from his pants, obviously to either prank us, or blast the furry fool from my face.

Probably both.

Oh dear _Gott_in_Himmel_!

I can't let him do it.

"_JAMES__POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!_" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"That's a good one Lils!"

Potter was shocked.

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.

And Cate was in Cateland.

She departed, and then proceeded to pull Spot off my face.

She could have done that earlier.

* * *

**Waiting desperately for the food to arrive so I can bung some in Cate's mouth and think for a second**

The name has stuck.

What kind of normal person names their diary?

What kind of person names their diary?

What kind of _anything_names their diary?

And if they did, I'm sure they wouldn't name it: '_JAMES__POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!'_

Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Finally.

* * *

**At the Head's Tower**

This is sooo groovy.

I have my own room, all to my self.

Although it's next to Potter's.

I am getting naked mere feet away from him.

That's it.

I'm just going to stay in my uniform 24/7.

There is no rational solution.

* * *

**Five minutes later**

I can't wear my uniform to bed.

It will get creased.

And plus, it will be weird seeing James in his pyjamas, if I don't wear any.

Maybe he will think I sleep in the nuddy-pants.

And then he will tell his friends.

And they will talk about me in the nuddy-pants.

Ew.

Pyjamas it is.

"Nighty night Hogwarts" I said from my bed.

"Night Evans."

I hope he doesn't think I sleep in the nuddy-pa…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

* * *

**This chapter was particularly fun to write, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it.**

**I look forward to more reviewers and readers in the New Year. **

**So, sadly I must leave you.**

**Happy New Years,**

_thehiddenauthor_


	4. NEWTS, blah blah, NEWTs, blah blah

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!" **

**Chapter Four**

(In which Lily dances on the breakfast table, and smells James)

* * *

Lily's diary returns for the (eagerly anticipated) chapter four!

**Disclaimer:**Fine, the police did make me give back JKR's characters and her money, but they could not take my sense of humour. Or Cate. Or Spot. People pay money for them to steal. Grumble.

**Dedication:**To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

**Author's Note: **Hello, Hello! I absolutely love writing this story, so this is just so much fun. It sounds like you guys get a good laugh out of reading it. On another note x the pumpkin queen x is translating this fanfic into French, which is very exciting for me! (especially as I'm learning French). Thank you very much to her.

* * *

**NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTS**

_September 2nd_

**7:45**

**Breakfast**

It's Quiet.

Too quiet, in fact.

* * *

**7:50**

You know the house elves make some fab Vitamin T.

Much better than my toaster makes at home.

Still no one at the table.

Not even Remus.

* * *

**8:15**

I really should get a new toaster.

That's the first thing I will buy with my freedom.

What's the exchange rate for freedom?

* * *

**Sometime after pondering the exchange rate of freedom**

Enter The Marauders.

Finally someone to talk to, even if it is them.

James isn't looking at me.

Wonder why?

Sirius seems to have no problem.

* * *

**One minute later**

Maybe he talked about me in the nuddy-pants to his friends.

And now he's filled with guilt.

Ew. They talked about me naked?!

I don't know if I'm enjoying their company as much now.

* * *

**One minute after one minute later**

This is ridiculous.

It's silent at the Gryffindor table.

I will have to make first contact.

"Soooo…" I began,

They just looked at me like I had broken a vow of silence.

"You guys become monks have you?"

No reply.

Not even from Peter.

"Errr…what do you guys like for breakfast?"

_Mon Dieu! _This is going nowhere, and I'm getting frustrated.

"TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed, getting a rather shocked expression from Professor Mc Gonagall.

OH.MY.GOD.

Nothing.

Not a sound.

I have embarrassed myself for nothing.

_Come on Lils, you can do it. _Mind-Cate told me.

I'm afraid I will have to take her up on that offer.

I have been possessed.

"I'M LILY EVANS, QUEEN OF THE WORLD!"

I said, kicking over the grape bowl.

"AND JAMES POTTER IS MY KING!"

This is quite fun I must say, but still there is no words from the cloister.

"AND SIRIUS CAN JOIN US FOR A THREESOME!"I screamed getting carried away and jumping straight into James' lap, causing him to topple of the bench, with me on top of him.

Inches away from his face.

I was on top of the world, and James Potter.

"OH MY GOD LILS!" I heard from the doors, Cate has entered the building. "Hold still I need a mental picture!"

Oh hardy, har, har.

"MISS EVANS! KINDLY GET OFF OF MISTER POTTER IMMEDIATELY! AND REPORT TO MY OFFICE AFTER BREAKFAST!"

I dismounted James (_Shut up, mind-Cate!) _and sat back down on the bench.

I was sharing the exact qualities as a tomato.

Red & more red.

"THANKS FOLKS! TUNE IN FOR REPLAYS AT LUNCH, DINNER AND BREAKFAST ALL THIS WEEK" Sirius said.

Bitch.

I will now have to become a nun.

But after the whole fandango this morning they may not accept me since I practically had sex with James at breakfast.

Which is kinda gross.

I have now ruined my whole life.

Remus, put his hand over mine, in that soothing way, that my mum does.

Maybe that's what monk-dom does to you.

Still I am so killing them, and Cate.

I gave the evils to Cate, who had possessed me.

She was too busy scarfing down Vitamin T.

I looked up for an answer from The Marauders.

They were all looking guilty.

Even Sirius did.

While he was eating.

I didn't think that was possible.

Anyway.

"Please tell me I did not ruin my life for a really stupid pathetic reason?" I hissed.

James ruffled his hair in that really cute way that- _indicated he was guilty._

_GUILTY._

Remus was feeling_ so_ guilty that he fessed up.

"Well you see we were having a competition-"

"WHAT!" I whispered, I didn't need to be in anymore trouble.

"-to see how long we could stay silent, and how you would react."

I put my head in my hands.

"I must say it was a jolly good show! Although perhaps different and less costuming? Though, a definite five-star performace." Sirius added.

'_JOLLY GOOD SHOW'_

_Mon Dieu!_

Now my life is really over.

I got up and grabbed an orange.

"Where you going Lils?" Cate asked.

"Away, far away." I said on my way out.

I turned around, "By the way, you look like crap."

Then I pegged the orange at The Marauders while the Slytherin's chanted "ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!"

I ran like hell.

It's not like I could get in anymore trouble.

* * *

**8:57**

**Outside McGonagall's Office**

I wish I'd kept that orange.

It may ease my pain a little.

But still, what am I going to say.

'I'm sorry, I desperately wanted to know if they talked about me in the nuddy-pants, so I danced on the breakfast table?'

'Cate possessed me.'

'It's_that_ time of the month.'

That's a good one.

Oooh, what about, 'The Marauders put a spell on me.'

That's genius.

Even for me.

That's what I'm going to say.

* * *

**9:01**

**Inside McGonagall's Office **

"Sit."  
I did.

"Biscuit, Evans?"

She rattled her tartan tin under my nose. I had been told before by Cate to take one.

I selected a Ginger Newt and put it in my lap.

"Thank you."

"Now, Miss Evans can you explain your behaviour this morning?"

"The Marauders put a spell on me, Professor."

"I see."

She paused for a moment, rubbing her temples.

"You-"

I sat there in suspense,

"-_and_ the Marauders will serve detention tonight, helping clean the trophy room."

Great, she had seen through my brilliant lie.

"Professor, why am I serving detention?" I asked.

"Because you are better than that, Lily Evans. You may go."

She handed me five detention slips on the way out.

It may be just one detention, but I will be mocked for the rest of my life.

* * *

**9:05**

**Charms**

These Ginger Newts are really good.

Maybe I should get in trouble more often.

Lucky I have charms on Mondays.

It takes Prof. Flitwick ten minutes to get up the stairs.

I carried him once, much to everyone's amusement.

The Marauders don't seem very phased by the fact I got them into trouble.

I think James and Sirius must have some sort of competition going on.

Somehow I think it's probably pretty even.

* * *

**9:09**

Cate slid into her usual seat between me and Remus.

She didn't seem awake.

Somehow she sense what I was thinking and rather sharply told me: "_Someone_, not naming any names _LILY_, forgot to wake me up."

"I thought you could get up by now, you're _seventeen_."

She didn't say anything.

"Besides, I set your alarm clock."

"Yeah, but that shuts up when you throw it against the wall, _you don't_."

"That's right." I grinned.

_Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock._

Comeback time has passed.

I win again.

No surprise.

* * *

**On my way to Muggle Studies**

As I suspected, most of the double was spent talking about NEWTs.

All I heard was: "NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTs, blah blah, NEWTs!"

Even Remus (the _good one_) had fallen asleep and was drooling all over his notes, which comprised of: **NEWTs**.

Everyone elses quills hadn't moved.

Mine was serving the purpose of keeping me awake.

Did I mention I love quills?

They are very useful at keeping grumpy, irritable Cate's awake.

Teehee.

Oooh look there's an ink splatter on her that looks a lot like James.

Wonder if it smells like him.

Oh no, not the whole smelling thing again!

* * *

**Muggle Studies**

Today we are learning about lawyers.

Possibly the most boring people on the planet.

Even better, the teacher has decided to sit me between James and Sirius.

_Yay!_

That was sarcastic, if you didn't realise.

But I must say James smells fantastic.

I never noticed.

Would it be too weird if I leant in and smelt his neck?

I leant towards him while he was copying notes, and breathed in his scent.

_Ahhhhhhhhh…_

"_Miss Evans! Why _are you smelling Mister Potter?"

"Errr…I thought I smelt burning?"

"_Right_." She said sarcastically, "Don't do it again."

I could see Sirius laughing.

Double bitch.

James was looking at me like a deer in headlights.

Well, more like he had just caught someone who had hated him for the last six years smelling him.

Yes, definitely the second one.

* * *

**TRYING TO ENJOY MY FREE TIME SINCE LAWYERS ARE BORING AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM**

Cate had swivelled around to talk to me, because the Professor was too busy drinking coffee.

Poor woman.

"-Magical law is pretty easy to get into though."

"Yes but you see, in the _muggle_ world you have to be really smart and get really good grades on your GSCE's."  
She gave me her 'WTF-are-you-talking-about' look.

"Like NEWTs."

Instinctively she covered her ears and sang off tune: "Lalalalalalala"

I gave her the evils.

She stopped.

"You see muggle's cant use things like veritaserum and spells to uncover evidence and testimonies."

"Ahhhhhh."

I sighed in relief.

"Poor muggles."

I gave her a 'WTF-are-you-talking-about' look.

She responded with this: "I mean they go through so much. Being lawyers. Living with Pandas."

LIVING WITH PANDAS?

I turned to look at her.

"I read it in a book."

I smirked, and replied in mock shock, "_You can read?_"

* * *

**Ahh breakfast table dancing, smelling boys, poking your best friend with a quill, _mind-cate_.**

**There's nothing more you could want.**

**If there is something lacking, leave a review.**

**Mind-Cate has visited one of our dear reviewers already so please, stay safe, and avoid thinking like her at any costs.**

_thehiddenauthor_


	5. Thinking of Adopting of Multiple Cats

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!" **

**Chapter Five**

(In which Lily serves her first _ever_detention, and wishes she could shoot herself the whole way through)

* * *

Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)

**Disclaimer:**Fine, the police did make me give back JKR's characters and her money, but they could not take my sense of humour. Or Cate. Or Spot. People pay money for them [the cops to steal. Grumble.

**Dedication:**To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

**Author's Note: **To my reviewers: stella luminosa, dumb-ely-dort, bored-2-hyperness, hsmwildcat, dracosbabygrl & ARosalynnJP. Thank you for reviewing chapter four, you guys are the inspiration for this chapter. Hope you like it, no refunds or exchanges.

* * *

**Contemplating the adoption of multiple cats**

_Unfortunately still the same crappy day as it was 2 minutes ago._

_(i.e September 2__nd_

**Lunch**

Shoot me.

I have to spend the rest of the day with the Marauders.

And even my free time.

I hate them.

I hate them as much Sirius Black hates clothed women.

Hahaha.

I'm so funny.

Yet so depressed.

Extremely depressed.

I am just a walking contradiction.

* * *

**Still at Lunch**

I even just contradicted myself then.

I'm actually sitting down!

How can this day get any worse?!

* * *

**After a Tuna Sandwich**

I'll tell you how.

Ancient Runes.

My life is over.

Shoot me again.

* * *

**Ancient Runes**

Cate rambled on about Pandas all of lunch.

Even Peter was more interested in his sandwich.

I don't know where she gets her information from!

Is there a library full of stupid books?

Perhaps it is in Cateland.

We shall never know.

* * *

**2:43**

I must be invisible.

I have asked so many times to be shot, that either everyone else is deaf OR

I am dreaming.

I said to a possible dream-Cate: "Pinch Me."

And she did.

And it hurt.

Which reaffirms my conclusion that my life is over.

Stab me.

* * *

**2:43 and a half**

Actually, no.

Shoot Me.

Several times over if it will help.

* * *

**1 hour, 42 minutes and 38 seconds until detention**

Hopefully if I fall asleep I will be excused from detention.

And therefore, Ja-_POTTER_- Potter and Black's presence.

Yes, that sounds good.

* * *

**1 hour, 26 minutes and 12 seconds until detention**

My plan is not working.

Surely Big G can not torture me anymore.

* * *

**1 hour, 12 minutes, and 29 seconds until detention**

Oh right, he is making me spend all night cleaning the trophy room with Potter and Black.

* * *

**1 hour, 6 minutes, 47 seconds until detention**

Perhaps it's time to look for a new religion.

One with a less vengeful, more merciful God.

* * *

**59 minutes, 59 seconds until detention**

I don't think such a religion exists.

Poo, bum and _merde_.

* * *

**47 minutes and 9 seconds until detention**

Perhaps I will just have to accept there is no _possible_way that I am going to fall asleep before deten-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

* * *

**Hopefully well after detention**

"Lily?" The large dark figure hovering over me whispered.

"_God?_ Is that you?"

Perhaps I shouldn't have badmouthed him after all.

God (?) chuckled. "I'd like to think so."

Then God ruffled his hair, and I reached over to switch on the light.  
POTTER.

I should have known.

Squinting because of the light I asked, "_What do you want?_"

"I came to get you. It's time for detention."

How nice of him.

Remind me to chop his balls off while he's asleep.

* * *

**On my way to detention (with Potter who is a self-appointed God)**

Potter is just such a good friend isn't he?

Reminding me about detention.

And then there is the whole staring at me.

I am remaining an ice maiden.

I have an immense amount of glaciosity up my sleeve.

And it is a _big_sleeve, filled with muchos glaciosity.

* * *

**Detention**

I have been given a toothbrush to scrub the trophy room.

Does Filch have any idea how BIG this room is?

Much bigger than my sleeve of glaciosity, definitely.

Perhaps I can use it as a weapon of torture instead.

Yes, that sounds _très bien_.

* * *

**Still in detention**

Dear_Gott in Himmel_! It's breakfast all over again.

Well, Potter and Black are talking.

Just not to me.

* * *

**As above**

We are all now cleaning the 'Special Award for Services to the School' case.

It is vair, vair boring.

Well, it was until Sirius started a game of '_1001 Uses for Toothbrushes'_.

Which I have a feeling will end up far from innocent.

And far from finished.

* * *

**20 uses in**

"A toothpaste holder!"

"Sirius the whole point is to come up with different things!"

"I haven't said that yet though!"

"Sirius you said it for number one!"

He mumbled something along the lines of, "Bitch."

I chose to ignore it.

* * *

**Two seconds later**

I am waiting to get really mad at Black.

That way my _BANG!_Will be really good.

* * *

**One minute later**

I just realised how wrong that sounds.

Ew.

EW.

And_DOUBLE EW_.

Just for good measure.

* * *

**Five minutes later**

"Black, that is a really disgusting topic that I do not want to hear ANYTHING about. Got it?"

If his intelligence was anything to go by, the answer is: _obviously not_.

His topic you ask?

Hogwarts Top 10 Shags.

_Lovely_, isn't it?

* * *

**Up to number #6**

Just read back to the 'good bang!' part I wrote.

Why, oh, why must my life be so coincidental?!

* * *

**B&P still discussing #6**

I don't think it's occurred to them that I will actually have to see these girls around school.

I will probably start having to wear a blindfold.

Which really wouldn't help my klutziness, at all.

Perhaps I need to find a way to get back at them.

Yes, that is a very _bien_idea.

* * *

**Up to #4**

I am very unimaginative today.

All I have is recording this conversation, and shoving this toothbrush up their bottoms.

Help me, mind Cate!

* * *

**Onto #3**

Obviously mind Cate is either very busy, or very unimaginative too.

Bugger.

* * *

**#1**

_A sensual pretzel?_

That is so disgusting.

I know her.

Although, somehow I think she would be disgustingly happy she made number one.

But at least I don't have to listen to them anymore.

I can finally plot in silence.

"Ya know Evans, you could easily make three." Black said, looking up at me seductively.

"_Excuse me_."

"You could make two if you learnt some new skills from yours truly."

Now_that_ is _truly DISGUSTING_.

"In your dreams Black!" I yelled, pushing past him to the door.

"That's right," he replied a smug smile planted on his face.

We'll see about that.

* * *

**In the girl's toilets**

**On top of a toilet (in the most politically correct way, i.e standing on it)**

Luckily there is no one in here.

If there was, I don't know if I could have looked them in the eye.

_Especially_ if they were on '_the list'_.

I have made up my mind.

I am not going back to detention.

I am never going to listen to a list from Black ever again.

* * *

**Ten minutes later**

I think they've forgotten all about me.

Good.

Now I can sit in this cubicle for the rest of my life.

No NEWTs, no detention, no discussions about '_the list'_.

I quite like the sound of that.

* * *

**Five minutes later**

Uh oh.

Footsteps.

I have only seconds to live…

* * *

**Seconds later**

I am now huddled on top of a toilet seat.

When did my life start to comprise of hiding in toilets?

Maybe this is when I fantasise of living with my numerous cats.

Yes, dying alone and such.

Oh god I'm going to die in a toilet cubicle!

Errr…perhaps I should write my will.

**The Last Will and Testament of Lily Evans**

_Petunia gets nothing, and she can't know I died on a toilet seat thinking about multiple feline adoptions-_

"Evans! There you are!"

Ah, it's God a.k.a Potter.

"What are you doing in here?" Potter/God asked.

"Contemplating the adoption of multiple cats," I blurted out.

Crap. I should have said something like: 'I was going to the toilet, duh.'

"_Okay_." He said, "Are you coming back, or would you like to start thinking of names for the multiple cats in question?"

Smart-ass.

"Errr…no it's okay, I'll come." I replied, once again becoming a Lily Tomato.

* * *

**Back scrubbing trophies with my toothbrush (well, it's actually not mine, because that would be gross, duh.)  
**

I may as well find out boys really think of me, while I have the time (of course).

In a _tormenting_sort of way.

And I may as well ask Potter.

"Potter?" I asked.

"Yes, Evans."

"Do youthink I'd be good shag?"

* * *

**Seconds later**

Potter is as red as a tomato.

You could say he is a tomato.

A very tall tomato, but a tomato nonetheless.

All he can say is "Ummm…umm…" etc.

And then he turns into a Potter tomato again.

I turned to Sirius who was having a laughing fit on the floor.

All I got between laughs was: "Evans. Classic. James. Haha."

Sirius Black is a loony.

Maybe we should all be shipped off to the loony asylum, where I would have 'INSANE' stamped on my head.

Well, at least they say white goes with everything.

_Right?_

* * *

**After the longest detention on record**

I am never going to make a list again. _Ever._

And it's one of the only things I'm good at.

* * *

**In my jimjams**

Actually I need lists to write down all the ways I will torment Black and Potter.

* * *

**In bed**

Maybe a list will help me go to slee-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

* * *

**Le week-end**

_September 3rd_

Yes, that's serious what French people call it.

It's much cooler than just 'the weekend'.

Life is so much more interesting when you add 'le' before everything.

Le chair. Le bed. Le Cate.

What?

"What are you doing in my room?"

She was too busy stuffing her mouth to answer me.

Audibly, anyway.

Once she had finished she grabbed me and said, "No diary Lils."

I grumbled: "Fine," before shoving the diary in my pocket.

Teehee.

* * *

**Beside le lake avec mon amie**

"-Sensual pretzel."

"_Sensual pretzel?_" I paused waiting for her reaction.

"Awesome."

"Ah,_not_awesome." I reminded her.

Then I told her about the whole 'Sirius offering to give me shagging lessons' fandango.

She just laughed.

"I bet you could use them."

Thank you, Cate for having faith in me.

_No problem_, mind-Cate answered.

'_The list_' ranking aside: "Now, how could we possible torture Black and Potter?"

Seeing the mischievous grin plastered on her face, gave me hope that the Big G was actually doing his job.

* * *

**Hey guys! Sorry about the lack of updates, this week was really busy with birthdays, dinners etc. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Review even if you didn't.**

_thehiddenauthor_


	6. Dust Bunny Olympics

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"**

**Chapter Six**

(In which Lily discovers for herself the existence of dust bunnies)

* * *

Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)

**Disclaimer:**If you don't know JKR's work from mine, you are a dumb, slightly cross-eyed cat called Spot. (By the way Cate is looking for you, and so is Lily, but Lily is worried you are breeding).

**Dedication:** To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

**Author's Note:** Another BIG thank you to my reviewers! You guys really do keep me writing.

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**PleaOfInsanity:**If you are reading my story, you _are_ a loon. You are in denial. JUST JOKING!

**ajteel0203:** Thanks for another review!

**griffindor-girl12:**You may find Lily hiding under her bed in this chapter…

**dumb-ely-dort:**I'm rather surprised I'm not in the Psych ward with a morphine drip to shut me up too.

**stella luminosa: **merci beaucoup pour le delightful reviews.

**Dracosbabygrl : **thanks you! And thank you for all your other reviews too!

**Izzaay-**I'm sorry Izzy, but who won the French prize?! (moi!)

**MudbloodandProud-**You may also consider yourself _genial mademoiselle!_

* * *

**Dust Bunny Olympics**

_Sunday September 4__th_

**Under my bed**

You'd be surprised how much room there is under my bed.

It is vair, vair spacious.

And populated by dust bunnies.

Well, ok they weren't bunny-shaped before.

I'm not awitch for _nothing_.

Anyway, the dust bunnies seem to be racing each other in some sort of dust bunny Olympics.

Vair, vair amusant.

* * *

**Still under my bed**

Cate and I, (well mostly Cate) have come up with the most ingenious plan which goes against all my morals, ethics etc, etc.

It involves me seducing Black.

I KNOW.

I was shocked, but I can totally see how perfect it is.

I will totally be teasing Black and Ja-POTTER at the same time.

It's totally perfect.

Why am I saying TOTALLY so much?

That's totally retarded.

ARRRRRGH.

* * *

**As above**

"Evans?"

Crap. Potter!

At least I am not on a toilet contemplating the adoption of multiple cats.

"Evans!"

Should I crawl out?

Will he think I'm weird if I crawl out from under my bed?

I'll just sit here and watch the dust bunnies play around the edges of my bed an-NOOOOOOOOO! BAD DUST BUNNY!

"Get back here," I whispered angrily.

I slid closer to the edge, and just as I reached the edge of the valance it was replaced by James Potter's face.

Lily Tomato had returned.

"What are you doing under here?" he asked cocking (how appropriate) his eyebrow.

"Err…"  
THINK LILY TOMATO, _THINK!_

"Nothing really, I was just leaving."

_CRASH_.

I could faintly hear someone screaming, "LILY!" in the background.

* * *

**In the dark**  
I'm not sure if that means it's sleep time, or just an English afternoon.

All I can remember is being under my bed, and then…

POTTER.

This is all his fault, clearly he drugged me so he could check out my shagging skills.

Oh. My. God

He practically shagged a dead person.

Potter the Necrophiliac.

Ew.

I must escape before I endure anything while I am awake.

* * *

**Escaping from Potter's room**

I can't believe I am escaping from Potter's room.

I can't believe I am _in_Potter's room!

My life is just too weird.

Now where is the door…

It's gonna be so stupid if I go bumping into things, even in the dark.

With no one else here.

I think.

Maybe I should just walk towards the light.

That seems like a good idea.

* * *

**In the light**

Turns out 'the light', is Potter's bathroom.

And he is coming up the stairs.

Oh poo, bum and _merde_.

* * *

**Awaiting discovery**

I am in a slight better spot than the norm for these situations.

I have jumped in his shower/bath combo and drawn the curtain.

There is no way he is going to find me.

* * *

**One minute later**

I really don't think anyone can have this much bad luck without being pure evil, or a movie character.

As it happens Potter has decided to enter the bathroom.

If I just stay _perfectly still_.

* * *

**Seconds later**

It seems he needs something from the shower; luckily I didn't stand near his toiletries.

I mean, how can you have three kinds of shampoo, and six bars of the same soap?!

His sexuality is now very ambiguous.

_SHIT!_

It seems he meant for the tap, rather than his clinique counter.

And now I am frozen to the spot, covered in cold water.

It's only a split second before he pulls open the curtain.

And I die.

Oh god.

At least I'm a virgin. (or so am conciously aware of. I can't speak for certain blanks in my mind).

…

* * *

**Got you there! Sorry this is short, better to update than to not. Next chapter up within 2 weeks (max) Thank you to all of you who are review you are all **_**tr**__**è**__**s bien. (Rach, Izzy & Lily you had better not be reading this in SOSE. On second thought, go ahead. Who needs SOSE when you have fanfiction!!!)**_

**Peace, love, and Naked Potters to you all,**

_thehiddenauthor_


	7. Hubble, Bubble and Mc Donalds?

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"**

**Chapter Seven**

(In which Lily discovers she really lives at McDonalds & A Supermarket, _Simultaneously_)

* * *

Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)

**Disclaimer: **If you don't know JKR's work from mine, you are a dumb, slightly cross-eyed cat called Spot. (By the way Cate is looking for you, and so is Lily, but Lily is worried you are breeding).

**Dedication:** To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations.

**Author's Note:** Can't believe I haven't been writing this for aaaages! Have missed getting reviews and such, no reviews makes me Author Nomates.

* * *

**Thank you to all my reviewers: **stella luminosa, Ashleyxoxo, sunshinerosesandDEATH, bored2hyperness, dracosbabygrl, PleaOfInsanity, hsmwildcat, dott, griffindor-girl12 & Fuzz!

* * *

**HUBBLE BUBBLE AND BOY TROUBLE**

_Still Sunday September 4__th_

**A split second later**

Good Lord.

I always though Potter had something stuffed down his pants.

Apparently Not.

Awkward doesn't even begin to describe this.

* * *

**Several days later**

**(Not really)**

Good lord I am a tart.

I made out with a practically naked Potter in a bathtub.

To make matters worse we were interrupted by my so called bestest pally Cate.

Who caught us like two tomatoes squashed together in a bathtub-shaped crate, _and_ the whole school will know about my bathtub fiasco in a few hours.

_Merde_.

* * *

**Looking in the mirror**

Good lord I _am _a tomato.

Here is my new address:

Lily-Tomato,

Tart to a fellow Potter-Tomato,

Shelf in the Fruit and Veg section,

Supermarket of Life

* * *

**Late-ish**

Pondering _le planeth_.

Will Black be tempted by the forbidden fruit?

Is tomato a fruit?

Oh who cares?!

Only old crazy cat women who sleep with shotguns, that's who.

And maybe Cate.

* * *

_Monday September 5__th_

**Breakfast**

Keeping my now black hair over the table helps disguise the fact I am a tarty Lily-Tomato.

Well now a rotten tarty Lily-Tomato.

Cate has helped me disguise myself, but obviously she wasn't very awake, as my hair now resembles a tiger, and not in a nice way.

She will be dodging a not-so graciously sent fruit basket this morning.

* * *

**Embarrassment Central on the way to Being-Laughed-At Station**

**(Trasfiguration)**

**9:02 am**

Whoever thought up double transfiguration was seriously pissed off.

I mean how else could you torture someone (oo-er) beyond all belief.

Now I think about it, it was probably Zeus' wife Juno.

I mean she must have been pretty pissed at Zeus for sleeping around.

* * *

**9:06 am**

Wait a second!

I have had an epiphany!

What if I am subconsciously mad at Potter for being a man-whore?!

* * *

**9:07 am**

Trying to tell Cate about my epiphany, but she is _ignorez-vous_ing me.

* * *

**9:08 am**

Maybe she was just busy picking off orange peel.

I shall try again.

* * *

**9:09 am**

Nope.

She is all orange-covered huffy knickers.

Teehee.

* * *

**9:12 am**

Gah! Potter smells so good!

Now I can't concentrate.

Something about NEWTs…

I think.

Can't be sure; as I am too busy staring at the back of James Potter's head.

* * *

**Break**

**All aloney on my owney**

Cate is being totally unreasonable.

She totally deserved to pick orange peel off her robes.

It is not my fault that she barged in on the bathtub fandango.

* * *

**One minute later**

She is so totally giving me a 'haha-look-whos-laughing-in-their-non-orange-peel-covered-robes-now' look.

I hate her.

* * *

**Hubbly Bubbly**

**(To the slightly more normal: Potions)**

We are being _assigned_ partners.

Obviously (something rather large) has gotten up ol' Sluggy's bum-oley(oo-er).

* * *

**After the assigning**

Har har.

_Le planeth_ continues!

Black and I are partners, making my job even easier.

Apart from the fact Black does no work.

My role in _le planeth_ is muchos simpler now we have to spend potions together.

* * *

**Sometime later**

Watching Black ATTEMPT to slice roots.

Vair vair _amusant_, I must say.

Would be even funnier if Cate and I could laugh about it together.

* * *

**Two minutes later**

Because I am the bigger person (well not really) I will apologize to Cate, and reach out with my hand of friendship.

* * *

**One minute later**

Sent her a note:

Dear Cate,

Our friendship knows no bounds, and is sacred for all eternity. I apologize for any wrongdoing on my behalf.

Lily

p.s in Cate words: I MISS YOU

p.p.s look at Black. Lily-bean xx

* * *

**Two minutes later**

Dearus Lily-eth

Keep-eth thou hands-eth in thous pocket-us thou lezzieth.

Billy-Cate Shakespear-eth

p.s-eth: Thy misses-eth thou too-us.

p.p.s-eth: Thy also-us find-eth Black-us funny-eth. Cate-us

* * *

**Black only a quarter way down the root**

Isn't it amazing how seventeen year old girls apologize?

I'm sure the oldies would find this most fascinating.

Now, I must work on _le planeth_!

* * *

**Lunch**

Lunch is actually an abbreviation.

That is because if you say lunch, there is a possibility there will be some left.

The extra time it requires to say _luncheon_ means you starve.

* * *

_**Luncheon**_

Sitting next to Cate, who only has the mental capacity to connect 'lunch' and 'food'.

Ooooh! Monday is once again Lasagna day!

Hooray for several layers of fattening meat and pasta!!

* * *

**Eating Lasagna**

Brilliant people the Italians.

Quite good looking too.

Still, the lasagna is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!

* * *

**Twilight**

Completely forgot about writing since luncheon.

Kinda of hard with James Potter eating Lasagna in my head (and yes, it's randomer than it sounds).

Cate and I are sitting on my little balconette making up crappy lovesongs to sing to our sadly single selves.

My personal favourite is 'Lasagna easier to eat than your pants, except when it's been in the freezer'.

Cate is also spitting out random analogies of life, and she is beginning again.

"Ya know Lils, life is like… McDonalds."

Oh god.

"It's full of fat people that you can't get past."

I am friends with an idiot.

Meh, Life could be full of hard lasagna.

(but apparently it is full of fat people. Teehee).

* * *

**OMG. **

**Can't believe how long it has been, and how much of this chapter could be fixed.**

**My only defence is Rachel forced me.**

**Have a good one,**

_**thehiddenauthor**_


	8. EIM: Excessively Irrational Monday

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"**

**Chapter Eight**

(In which Lily almost fulfils an impressive claim)

* * *

Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)

**Disclaimer: **If you don't know JKR's work from mine, you are a dumb, slightly cross-eyed cat called Spot. (By the way Cate is looking for you, and so is Lily, but Lily is worried you are breeding).

**Dedication:** To the reviewers, thanks for all your support. Louise Rennison & JKR you are my baby Jesus' thanks for being such inspirations. Also to my dearest real life Lily-Bean, love you lots, consider this a belated birthday gift.

**Author's Note:** Can't believe I haven't been writing this for aaaages! Have missed getting reviews and such, as no reviews makes me Author Nomates.

* * *

**Thank you to all my reviewers: **lady.lily.of.tattisdale, flowerypetal, pirate-princess1, stella luminosa, bored2hyperness, sunshinerosesandDEATH, griffindor-girl12, October Addums, & MudbloodAndProud

* * *

**Excessively Irrational Monday (or E.I.M for short)**

_Monday September 5__th_

* * *

**Early Morning**

It begins again.

* * *

**One minute later**

God, I am depressed.

* * *

**Two minutes later**

Will try and cheer myself up with some insanely groovy dance moves.

* * *

**After the Disco**

Contrary to popular belief, disco dancing does not solve all problems!

Option Two: Breakfast!

* * *

**Guess? (Cate-speak: Breakfast Table)**

As per usual, Cate is down here stuffing her face.

"Lils?" (I'm pretty sure) she asked.

"Oui," I replied, staring at Spot perched atop her head.

In a rare occasion, Cate put down her fork, swallowed her food, and continued: "Lily, the way to combat depression is not by perving on cats or speaking French."

_Mon Dieu!_ How my hand yearns for my forehead.

* * *

**Still At the Breakfast Table**

This orange juice is so good.

So good infact, that I have a sneaking suspicion it is not orange juice at all, but APPLE JUICE IN DISGUISE!

Or perhaps it is just my lack of sleep speaking.

"Is this about _le planeth_?" Cate asked very loudly, attracting the attention of one nearby marauder who, being the buttinski he is, shovedhis face between mine and Cate's,

"What's this I hear kittykat? Something about a plan?"

"No, we were just talking about how Lils really, really likes you, Si."

She WILL be the death of me.

I swear.

Sirius waggled his eyebrows very suggestively.

"_The Plan!" _Mind-Lily reminded me.

No Mind-Cate? Perhaps I will be able to act rationally today then.

I shall just continue to concoct my extremely rational-to-the-point-of-boring response…

"_How bout screw the plan AND Sirius!"_ Mind-Cate suggested.

Great.

Another day of being irrational.

Irrational enough to lean forward slightly, pucker my lips and KISS SIRIUS BLACK!

* * *

**In My Room**

OH. MY. GIDDY. GOD.

See how dire this situation is!! Giddy got into the usually line up!!

The possibility of giddy is what got me into this mess in the first place!!

LOOK AT ALL THESE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!

What am I going to do?!

About the Sirius Black thing.

Not the exclamation marks.

One second I am eating breakfast, and the next my life is back to poo, bum and _merde_.

* * *

**Still in My Room, and Unlikely to Leave Soon**

You know, all I have to do is snog Peter and I will have snogged all of the marauders.

That would be quite an impressive claim.

* * *

**Pondering…100. PONDERING COMPLETE**

And excessively disgusting.

"LILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Cate's voice echoed up the stairs, "LILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

The door burst open, with a _BANG! "_Whatcha doin'?"

"Considering my future as an old, fat, catlady."

"Awww! Cheer up Lils," Cate answered, wrapping her arm around my shoulders, "The crazy ones are skinny!"

Thanks Cate, I definitely feel like forgetting all of my terrible problems.

Not.

* * *

**Charms**

**9:04 am**

Ohmygiddygodspyjamapants.

There is only one seat left in this whole classroom.

And guess where it is?

Between Potter and Black of course.

How could you do this to me Jesus?

* * *

**9:15**

Sirius' hand is a disturbing length up my leg.

And by disturbing I mean well above the knee.

* * *

**9:23**

How am I supposed to take notes while I am being felt up by a pervert?!

Clearly, I am doomed to fail.

Not just NEWTs, but life.

Maybe it's time to look for a new religion?

* * *

**Lunch**

You know, this Buddha guy sounds pretty cool.

His religion is all about happiness and stuff.

It's a shame that WWBD doesn't have the same ring to it.

* * *

**Announcing my news to the gang**

**(i.e. Cate and whoever else is listening)**

"Hear ye, hear ye. I, Lilleth Evaneth am now Budd-eth."

Cate casually replied, "Lilleth, it's only cool if you claim your bigger than Jesus."

I explained my troubles with my ex-homeboy, J. Christ.

"Ahhhhhhhhh…" She answered, and then turned back to the magazine she was reading.

Typico.

No support from my so-called peers.

* * *

**Muggle Studies**

Sandwiched in-between James and Sirius, _AGAIN!_

"_You wish_," scoffed Mind-Cate.

"Yeah, totally." I said.

"Miss Evans? You have something to say on the reliability of muggle birth control methods?"

"Errr…yeah, they're actually pretty good. Except when they break, or don't work and all."

The professor raised her eyebrow at me, then continued "As Miss Evans rightly pointed out, Muggle birth control, methods are extremely primitive... blah blah blah."

WHO CARES?

* * *

**Two minutes later**

I think James cares.

* * *

**Still in Muggle Studies (Unfortunately)**

James is looking at me like my nungas are large, vicious guard dogs.

Which they are clearly not.

Sadly, they are more like mosquito-inflicted wounds.

* * *

**Still in Muggle Studies, with James still staring at me**

Maybe he's looking at me because of my knowledge _vis-à-vis_ condoms.

Teehee.

I think I may be a little on the insane side.

* * *

**On the insane side**

James' eyes are wandering more than…err…two wandering things.

Perhaps he has finally realised that Sirius practically has his hand in my intestine.

Hmmm…WWBD?

* * *

**Dinner**

Found myself sitting across from Potter and Black.

Brillopads.

* * *

**Still at dinner**

Cate and Sirius are having the stupidest argument known to man.

Or woman.

Or animal.

Or the world.

* * *

**And the song/argument goes on…**

It has gotten to that point in an argument when everyone has stated their case and all that is left is the back and forth 'Yes/No' bit. This, (unfortunately for anyone with ears) is the point to which Sirius and Cate have reached.

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS N-" Sirius started,

"_WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!_" Interjected a shouting Remus, making everyone's jaw drop.

Perhaps, he is having a bit of Male PMS.

"Geez, Remus, no need to be so _testes_"  
Ohmygiddygod. I did not just say 'testes' in front of a bunch of 17 year-old boys, and Cate of all people.

I did my annoying little nervous laugh thing, "Hehe, umm…I'm just going to umm…get some… salt."

I reached over blindly for where the salt had been.

Hmm…salt containers are quite hand-shaped these days.

Oh poo, it's James Potter's hand.

* * *

**Escape of Lily-Tomato**

Pronounced ess-ca-pay, for maximum effect.

It's not really said like that but…Oh bugger not this again!

"I…uh…gottago…" I said really quickly, running out of the hall, hair flying wildly.

Must, pant, pant, hide, pant, pant, somewhere, pant.

I can see the light!

* * *

**The loos**

Thank you Buddha Almighty for leading me to this place of sanctuary (even if it does smell like disinfectant); you are so much better than your rival J.Christ, he is merely the pepsi to your coke.

Now, for a quick check in the mirror.

* * *

**The stall furthest from the door**

For very simple reasons:

I look like a panting tomato

This was the only stall with the seat already conveniently down

Why must my life always end up quite literally in the toilet?

I will have to make a list to calm myself down:

**THE LIST OF THE NUMEROUS**** REASONS WHY ME, LILY PO-I, MEAN EVANS' LIFE IS IN THE TOILET**

1. NEWTS (and the fact this takes the number one spot)

2. Completely brain-dead so-called best friend

3. Said person's cat

4. Extreme paranoia (eg Do boys think about me in the nuddy-pants? Why does Sirius think I would be good at…ya know? etc. 24/7)

5. Jesus loves everyone but me

6. Even Cate

7. And Sirius

8. And James (Although, hopefully not Petunia. Jesus isn't that blind)

9. The fact I almost wrote Lily Potter instead of Lily Evans which has been my name for almost 17 years now

10. PETUNIA (in general)

11. I have said '_testes_' infront of a bunch of 17 year-old boys

12. I will have to see them all if I ever want to eat at the house table again

13. I will have to see James later tonight

14. He may confront me about the whole holding hands thing

15. I am also apparently having a relationship with the biggest ever man-whore, Sirius Black

16. _**I think I love James Potter**__**. **_**Merde**_**.**_

* * *

**Bonjour, chumettes! **

**Long time no write, eh?**

**Sorry about all of this time you have spent wasting thinking about how much you wanted to read this chapter.**

**You may have a virtual cookie to ease your pain.**

**Hope you liked this chapter, and remember to review (even if you didn't), because an Author Nomates is an Author Sadcakes.**

_thehiddenauthor_


	9. More Like, Don't Play With Magnets

"**JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"**

**Chapter Nine**

(In which Lily is hypnotized, possibly because of a pre-exisiting condition, unfortunately, this excludes her from rebates on her treatment as her medical insurance does not cover said-condition or any other pre-existing conditions for that matter. Regrettably, no insurance companies actually cover it. The dirty bastards.)

* * *

Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)

**Disclaimer: **If you don't know JKR's work from mine, you are a dumb, slightly cross-eyed cat called Spot. (By the way Cate is looking for you, and so is Lily, but Lily is worried you are breeding).

**Dedication:** Gosh, a big thankies and much non-lezzie luuuuuuuurve must go out to my readers, and even more so, my reviewers who are still reading despite the sparse updates. I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve all of you girls (in a non-lezzie way, of course), and would like to dedicate this chapter you!

**Author's Note:** The last bit of the chapter description will be comprehended by any sane person (i.e. anyone who watches the Catherine Tate Show), if you are not one of these sane people, please visit your local asylum (e.g. Blockbuster). P.S Is anyone aware whether there is a rebate on Mind-Cate related psychotherapy?

* * *

_To recap…_

_**16**_**. I think I love James Potter**_**. Merde.

* * *

**_**Operation **_**Ignorez-Vous**_

_Still Monday September 5__th_

**In my room…**

…And unfortunately still alive.

Alive and under a pillow.

A really big, fluffy pillow.

Not unlike my really big pile of _merde_, which I also seem to find myself under.

Often, in fact.

WHERE IS CATE WHEN I NEED HER?!?!!?

* * *

**Still Hysterical**

WHO CARES ABOUT CATE!!!!

WHERE ARE MY SLEEPING PILLS!??!?!

AGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

* * *

**On the Line Between Hysterical and Bonkerosity**

OHMYGOD!

WHERE ARE MY PYJAMAS!?!?!

THEY ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITES!!!!!

* * *

**Post-search**

Found them.

Under my pillow where I left them.

And I don't even have sleeping pills.

I think I need a drink.

* * *

**One minute later**

Did I really just say I needed a drink?!

It's her fault.

You know who I mean (Cate: if you are reading this [and you probably/definitely are] it means _YOU_)

* * *

**One minute later**

Did I mention how much my life sucks right now?

The answer is A LOT.

* * *

**Two minutes later**

In a desperate attempt to turn my shamble of a life around, I Lily Po-I MEAN EVANS, I Lily _EVANS_ promise to do the following:

One: Stop looking like a tomato, I did not fall off the back of a farmer's cart

Two: Increase my IQ by using really big words, ALL THE TIME, meaning constantly and continually.

Three: _Ignorez-vous_ Potter and Black. They are _unquestionably _the root of all evil, actually mean the _quintessence _of all evil. That's better.

Four: Stop think about how incredibly hot Potter is. _Merde. _I _MEANT _to say how incredibly unattractive and minger-ish Potter is.

* * *

**Five minutes later**

I haven't even eaten anything.

Mum will think I am trying to be like that really weird tree girl, whatsherface.

* * *

**One minute later**

Twiggy.

* * *

**On the move**

I am on my way to the kitchens, walking in a really cool spy-ish type way.

Hopefully I won't come across anyone as I am in my fluffy slippers and "Go Girl!" t-shirt.

The head girl can have a life too.

Even if her nunga nungas are a bit on the small side, her elbows are sticky-outy and she really needs glasses.

And _possibly _a fashion consultant.

But apart from that she is a perfectly _normal _person.

Even if she does spent half her life in the toilet.

* * *

**Still on the move**

Now I am talking in the third person!

_Mon dieu! _What is next?!

I am becoming quite the sad sack.

Even in shape.

* * *

**Next**

All is quiet for a change.

I feel all aloney on my owney.

Except, I _like_ not being around _constant_, NO _ubiquitous_ distractions.

Now, for the super huge chocolate cookie I know is going to my thighs and not my nunga nungas.

Sometimes life is cruel.

* * *

**Life's Latest Cruelty: Breaking update!**

_Potter is walking this way.__ Merde._

Perhaps if I stand in this miniscule nook, and suck my tummy in he will walk straight past me, and I shall be proclaimed a super secret cookie agent!

* * *

**Two seconds later**

In five, four, three, two, one…

"You shou-"

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

**

* * *

Being Carried to the Hospital Wing**

How embarrassment.

I am being _carried, BRIDAL STYLE,_ by James Potter to the hospital wing.

"Are you okay Lily? I'm _really_ sorry!"

God he sounds like a little titch.

All I can make is little growly noises because I am in aggers.

I will avenge my nose breaking!

* * *

**In the Hospital Wing**

Madame Pomfrey is bandaging my nose and pouring out potions that look like they came out the wrong side of someone.

James is sitting here being all crawlerish with the "Oooh Madame Pomfrey can I do anything?"'s.

Clearly Buddha is not on my side either.

Perhaps Madame Pomfrey has a magazine on anti-religion that I might enjoy reading to distract myself from the agonizing pain of having a sideways conk!

**

* * *

Sitting here…still**

She gave me the weirdest look when I asked her if she had an anti-religion magazine and then scuttled off.

Typico.

I am abandoned by all except those which I _WISH IN SHEER DESPERADOES_ would abandon me.

FOREVER.

I mean for all _ETERNITY_.

That means James Potter.

Despite his _mildly_ attractive features, I WANT HIM DEAD.

I ABSOLUTELY BLOODY HATE HIM.

**

* * *

Errr….Still Dark?**

Who am I kidding?

I love James Potter!

**

* * *

Pondering….**

Maybe I love him as a result of having goody-two shoes boys mooning all over me?

Maybe he is my rebellion?

Maybe I should just stop being so philosophical and ask for more painkillers?

**

* * *

Pondering Complete**

I'll go with option three thank you.

**

* * *

One minute later**

Would you like fries with that?

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"

_Merde._

Was that out loud?

Monochromatic colour scheme loading in 3…2…1…

**

* * *

A second later**

WHY BABY JESUS?!?!?!?

WHY?!?!?!?

**

* * *

First Light-ish**

_Tuesday 6__th__ September_

**8:13 am**

I must find Cate and discuss some sort of evil scheme that is worthy of two…scheming things?

**

* * *

8:15 am**

A WHOLE ARMY OF SCHEMING THINGS!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

**

* * *

8:15 and three quarters**

I think painkillers make me a bit hysterical.

Teehee.

**

* * *

8:16 am**

Maybe I should go to breakfast?

Getting out of bed seems like a good start.

Yes, let's start with that…

**

* * *

8:25 am**

But it's so warm, and I am all snugly buggly!

**

* * *

8:27 am**

Merlin's Y-Fronts! It's blueberry pancakes day!

Stupid Robes!

Run, run, pant, pant. (about 20 times mind you!)

Gosh, I think nose replacement must require intense physical therapy elsewhere. I mean your nose is connected to everything!

_Even your-_Mind-Cate began.

_Ugh, Go away Mind-Cate!__!! I don't have time for this!!_

Besides, clearly, things have been swept under the rug here at Hogwarts.

…Then again, that could be due to the fact Madame Pomfrey doesn't seem like one who has engaged in 'physical therapy' in years.

_Lils even old people get some '_physical therapy'_,_ Mind-Cate reminded me._ I mean think of your parents, and those old people who go to tantric yoga classes in matching fluorescent lyrca outfits._

Maybe those pancakes aren't such a good idea.

**

* * *

Stopping for a breather outside****the Great Hall**

**8:28 am**

Phew. Made it.

With a half-hour of pancake stuffing awaiting me.

Oh great, Cate has decided to sit with my favourite, and ever ubiquitous not-friends.

And a cat perched on her shoulder, as if she was a pirate.

Well, I can't just stand here forever…

"Salutations associates, and acquaintances!" I said, classily and elegantly perched myself on the bench. (Mental note: +5 IQ points)

"Yarrrr…A hello to you young lassie!" Cate replied grizzily.

"Ummmm, ok. Whatever." (-10 IQ points) I uttered, turning myself towards the pancake platter.

Mmmmm…Pancakes...mmmm

Cate looked at me as if to say '_err…what the Christ on a bike?'_

Oh, right, drool equals not attractive.

**

* * *

Halfway through the 'Leaning Tower of Pancakes'**

Some Ravenclaw is walking towards us, looking extremely an-_infuriated._

Oooh and she is carrying a cardboard receptacle…(i.e. a Cardboard box, Hobo's house. You get the idea!)

I have the feeling this will be RE: the Marauders. As it _habitually _is.

I pulled Cate under the table with me.

"Lils, why are we under a table?" Cate asked, certainly being the smartest question she had ever asked in her life.

"Thhhhshsh." I replied with my mouth full of pancakes.

"WHAT?" Cate asked loudly, as if she was an old cat-lady.

"There you are!" snapped the Ravenclaw girl, who's bra was obviously stuffed.

Cate and I poked our heads out from under the table looking sheepish.

Prissy-bum Ravenclaw girl then proceeded to thrust the box into Cate's arms and stormed off, not realizing her skirt was tucked into her pink, frilly underwear.

Slinking back into our seats, I decided to make the most of my insanely _amusant_-ness.

"Don't you think it's ironic that she is in Ravenclaw and has small tits, when an eagle is a big bird?"

The boys jaws dropped enough for an eagle to happily fly inside.

"Moooooooooooooooooony?" Sirius wailed, "Did Lily Goody-two-shoes Evans just talk about boobs?"

"I believe she did, Sirius."

"This must be that awesome dream of mine again…quick Moony, grab popcorn! The girl-on-girl bit is coming up!"

"Sirius, this is not your lesbian dream again, I highly doubt that Cate is going to pull a-"

"Hmmmahmmmham" Peter cleared his throat as McGonagall walked past.

"-Out of that box," Remus finished.

"What was that Remus?" I inquired cocking my eyebrow. Oo-er.

"I'm sorry Lily, I can't repeat it again, I have already filled today's quota for dirty words."

Cate's eyes were verging on the size of Ja-Potter's ego, as she stared into the carboard receptacle/box.

"See Moony, I told you." Sirius said pompously.

Slowly I saw Cate put her hands into the box and pull out…

A KITTEN.

SPOT HAD BRED.

**

* * *

9:03**

**Charms**

Safely in between Peter and Remus.

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeemus?" I asked.

"Yes, Lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyy," he replied mocking me.

"Can I please have some chocolate?" I answered, batting my eyelashes, like some blind fool.

"Err…Why?"

"Because, the head's tower is on the other side of the school, and I won't be able to get there and back in time."

Remus stared blankly.

"JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN CHOCOLATE LUPIN!" I screeched.

Out of his pocket, Remus flung a bar of Honeyduke's chocolate onto my desk.

"My _precious_," I said in a Smeagle-type-way, ripping at the wrapping like some sort of fat kid.

Mmmmmmmm…Did I mention how much I loooooooove Choco-latté?

Which is actually pronounced chocolate, but I just like to say it as Choco-latté.

Not this fandango again!!!

**

* * *

9:05 **

Jam-POTTER- Potter has arrived and has decided to plonk his nicely-toned ass in front of me.

How could you do this to me Buddha?

After I said you were the Coke and not the Pepsi.

I am feeling particularly betrayed.

I may have to reconcile with my ex-homeboy J. Christ.

**

* * *

9:12 (Flitwick has finally made it up the stairs. **_**Hallelujah!**_**)**

Today we are being assigned partners, and are practicing magnetism charms.

Guess who my partner is?

Just guess?

…

IT'S POTTER.

Potter is my partner.

And we're supposed to be attracting each other.

**

* * *

One minute of awkward silence later**

Well, if we're supposed to be attracting each other, I have no work to do.

I am off Scott-free, or perhaps more accurately, Potter-Free!

_Merde. _Here comes Flitwick!

**

* * *

Feeling Flitwick little eyes fixed on me**

Okay Lily Po-EVANS.

LILY EVANS.

You can do this _Lily Evans_.

Jam- I mean, Potter and I nodded to each other

"_Magnetio!" _We said simultaneously

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

**

* * *

Shuffling off to the Hospital Wing**

We must have missed Flitwick's reminder to not put all of our power behind the spell.

I must have been too embarrassed and disturbed about getting Potter as a partner.

Anyways, somehow, I managed to knee Potter in the balls, and got my tits smashed up against his rather hard, and deliciously toned abdomen, oh, and my nose might have been re-broken on his very hard pecks.

Any other girl would be enjoying this.

I will have to ask Cate to pick up my habit from the drycleaners now.

**

* * *

In the Hospital Wing**

For some reason, Madame Pomfrey can't get us un-stuck.

And she probably thinks I'm some drug addict.

I am doomed to be stuck with Potter for the rest of my life.

And a divorce can't solve it.

Damn you lawyers.

Damn you all.

**

* * *

Author's Note: **Thanks everyone for reading! When there are 20 reviews, the brand new, sparkly, tiptop chapter will be up.

Until then peace, love and magnetic Potter's to you all,

_**thehiddenauthor**_


End file.
